Slubberdegullion

Slubberdegullion

-n. a filthy and slobbering person, a worthless drunken louse

Oscar's Ninth Mistake

Oscar's Ninth Mistake 

Special request from my friend Gowtham

sorry gatos, I still love you :)

My Evil Conjoined Twin

My Evil Conjoined Twin

Bee on Bee Violence

Bee on Bee Violence

by Luke J Morris

As the barb pierced his cheek, Elmer Snerdly thought back on his lousy day.  

He hated this part of town. Always full of young punk teenagers, mohawked freaks all too eager to stab their asses in an old man's face. He just wanted to get home, have a cup of nectar, make some honey with Margie, and die like a respectable two-week-old should. Instead some delinquent hyped up on bad clover had driven him down on the flower and was having his dominatrix way with Elmer's poor old cheek. He could see Lem Linkins looking on in horror, but he knew the ancient ladybug wouldn't lift a wing to help him. Only one thing to
do.

Elmer reached his feeler into his coat pocket and took out the spare stinger he had pulled from his father's corpse days before.  The youth payed no attention, too busy gesticulating morbidy with his arms and headbanging while snorting pollen and singing a buzzy death metal version of 'We Will Rock You'.  The old insect grunted as he stabbed upward, plunging Dad's tail into the punker's honeyhole.  Mohawk boy shrieked and lost his hover.

As the kid collapsed on him and he felt the bug juice cover his face and seep into his lungs, Elmer Snerdly smiled.  It was a worthy way to go.  Poppa Bee would be proud.

The Wish

The Wish

Blitzkrieg’s Wish

By Luke J. Morris

Blitzkrieg was hungry.  Master hadn’t been home in a week; some men in blue suits had dragged him away, and all the barking in the world couldn’t stop them.  The old woman next door hadn’t come by in two days, either.  Blitzkrieg wasn’t sure how he felt about her – she smelled funny, and wore a suspicious-looking patterned thing around her head – but she brought food, so he figured she was okay.

Now they’d left him alone, in an empty little house, with a rumbling belly.  His doggie-door worked, so he could do his business in the back yard and drive off intruders (damned squirrels!), but he couldn’t find anything to eat out there.  And the fridge remained closed, no matter how he scratched and whined.  So he lay on the back porch, his head on his paws, his ears drooping with dejection, and he wished for food, a bigger field, and someone to play with. 

Then the wind turned, and he caught a scent.  He lifted his nose in the air, turned it this way and that, gauged the direction of the weird new phenomenon.  He’d never smelled anything like it.  It wasn’t exactly pleasant.  Still, it was new, and that made it worth investigating. 

Blitzkrieg stood, tiptoed to the yard, and sniffed by the fence.  The odor came from next door.  He put his nose to the ground and worked along the property line ‘til he found the loose patch of soil that Master had filled in.  His old digs!  His tail wagged as he plunged his paws in to re-open his forgotten escape route. 

A few minutes later he arose in the old woman’s back yard and trotted up the steps to her porch.  The screen door was closed, but a few whacks with his paw loosened the screen itself.   He slipped inside.

He could smell old food in the kitchen cabinets, but he couldn’t get to it, so he continued into the living room.  There, in the middle of the floor, lay the old woman.  Her legs inside her peasant skirt tilted to one side, her arms splayed out in a cruciform, and her eyes, wide open, stared at nothing.  Blitzkrieg sniffed her, whined, nudged her, pawed her, whined some more. She didn’t react. 

She smelled funny – even funnier than usual – but that was only a small part of the odd scent that had caught his attention, and soon the rest of the scent’s components distracted him from the corpse.  He searched the perimeter of the room, sniffing the floor and the furniture, until his snout came to rest on an object by the woman’s outstretched hand. 

It looked like a toy.  It had a body like a boat, a funnel opening at one end, a scooped handle at the other, and a hinged lid at the top.  Blitzkrieg circled the object, sniffed it, barked at it.  It didn’t move.  Finally he clenched the handle in his jaw, stood up, shook his head with a snarl, and bounded out of the house. 

He thought about burying the new toy in one of his special spots in the yard, but he decided to play with it first.  Tail vibrating, he entered the house, found his bed, and lay down for a chew.   He began by giving the thing another sniff and a bark for good measure.  Then he rolled it over in his paws, growled, nipped the handle, and gave the whole apparatus a good lick.  As he finished this taste test, something smoky popped out of the spout.

It was a man.  But not exactly.  At least it was man-like, with a broad chest enfolded by massive arms, and a face so ugly it could scare a pit bull.  Plus it was blue. 

Blitzkrieg leapt to his feet and lowered his head, snarling.  The intruder wafted patchouli and sand and brimstone and nothingness – the odd odor that had attracted Blitzkrieg to the toy in the first place. 

The man-like thing looked around the room for a moment before its eye found the dog.  “Right,” it said, in a voice not at all like Robin Williams’.  “So, what d’you want?”

Blitzkrieg barked and gnashed his teeth.

“Ah.  One of those.”  The blue creature barked and growled back.

The dog grinned.  Finally, someone who spoke his language!  He answered with a bark, two yips, a bark, a snarl, and a short howl.

The blue guy got the message.  “Right this way,” it said.  It led Blitzkrieg to the kitchen, where it tipped the refrigerator over, dumping a smorgasbord of the finest fatty and greasy people-food all over the room.  Blitzkrieg dove into the feast, his tail whipping up a small hurricane above the house.

When he had eaten his fill, he staggered to the back porch and collapsed on his belly with a sigh.  The smelly man-thing drifted out after him and sat on the stoop.  “Well?” it grunted. Then remembering itself, it added a short bark, a yip, and a whine.  Blitzkrieg growled happily in answer.  He threw in a few barks as another thought struck him, then he rolled over and fell asleep.

He awoke to find the yard transformed.  It had grown to four times its former size, and now contained trees and bushes and a garden bed with plenty of digging spots.  He had lots of room to run, and birds and bunnies and squirrels filled the yard, just waiting to be chased.  With a joyous yelp he bounded to it.  He charged around ‘til he had treed or grounded all the animals, peed on all the trees, dug up the whole flower bed, and buried every stray object he could find.  Then he sat and panted ecstatically for a while.

Before long, though, his happiness ebbed.  The food was delicious, the yard was perfect, but something was missing.  What was it?  He whined and whimpered ‘til the big blue ugly floated over.  It looked sour and surly, though that didn’t mean much; it had looked like that from the beginning. 

“Anything else?” the man-thing asked.  It repeated the question in dog-speak for the canine’s benefit. 

Blitzkrieg bobbed his head, moaned, pawed the ground, and howled.  His new friend responded in kind, and it almost looked like its hideous face smiled.  Then it began to transform. Its skin solidified, it grew legs, its chest and arms shrank and its belly bulged, the blue faded to a soft brown, clothes appeared, and the face – though still hideously ugly – became human.

Master had come home at last!  With Frisbee in hand.  Blitzkrieg bounced around the yard, yipping and woofing and peeing everywhere.  He leapt on Master’s chest, and the man laughed.  “Hey Blitz,” he said, and threw the disc.  Blitzkrieg raced after it.

He never did find his new special toy, but he didn’t miss it much.  He had everything a dog could want.

I Drink therefore I AM

I Drink therefore I AM

Closing Time

By Luke J. Morris

               “I drink, therefore I am.”  Gulp. 
                The bartender pours another shot.  “So if you didn’t drink, you wouldn’t be"
  “Yep.”  Gulp again.
“Makes sense.”  He wipes the table.  “One more, then you gotta stop being for the night.”  He pours.
   “Damn.”  Sip.  “Where’m I supposed to go?” 
        Shrug.  “Where do you go when you aren’t?”
       He laughs.  “The Nether.”  Sip.  Sigh.  “Nah, I’ve been there.  Hades too.  And Hel.  And Purg… Purgie-whatever-it-is.  Dull places.  No life in ‘em.”
   “You could just go home.
             Another laugh, hateful and cold, then, “No.  No, I can’t do that.  Home’s where the heart is.  They tore mine out and burned it ages ago.  Can’t go back for what ain’t there.”  Sip.  “You know why I drink?”
                “To be?”
“Exactly.  Not think.  Not feel.  Not do.  Just be.”  Gulp.  “Damn.  One more?”
                The barman shakes his head, starts flipping chairs. 
               “Damn.  Means I’m gonna sober up.  Don’t want to do that.  To see things as they are.  To unbecome.”  He hangs his head and tries to cry, but fails.  “Ah, bugger it.”  He stands up.
                The barman looks at him.  “Leaving?”
                “Yeah, I’ll get outta your hair.  Such as it is.  Got places to avoid, people to ignore, things to shun.”
                A woman walks in, sultry and dark and commanding.  “Hello, Lu.”
                He stands still.  “Angela.”  His lips curl around the word. 
               “Can I help you?” the bartender asks.
               She laughs and shakes her head.  “Only one man can help me.  If ‘man’ is the right word.”
                Lu stares at her, through her.  “What do you want?”
                Her perfect teeth gleam in the dim light as she smiles, her black hair waterfalls over her shoulders and down her back as she tosses her head, her eyes spark blue fire as she looks at him.  “Word games, is it now?  Or can we just assume you know, and move on from there?”
                “I won’t do it,” he snarls.  “I’m never going back.”
                The bartender collects the glasses, puts up the chairs, turns off the signs.  He moves to unplug the jukebox, and the woman stops him.  “You,” she says, “play something nice, will you?”  He starts to refuse, but one look at her and he forgets that.  He puts on some mellow classic rock – Fleetwood Mac, he thinks, or maybe Jefferson Airplane, he’s not paying much attention – and continues his cleaning.
                Angela turns back to Lu.  “Why not?”
                Lu smiles miserably.  “Let’s just assume you know, and move on from there.”
                She crosses her arms and pouts.  “I don’t see why you can’t take me.  I wouldn’t make you stay; you could just drop me off and go.”
                “You know it doesn’t work that way.”
                “But I’m homesick!”
                “Tough.”
               She stomps her foot and fumes at him.  “You owe me, you know.  I helped get you here.”
                “Liar.”
                “Well… I thought about it.”
                “Liar.”
                “Come on, Lu!  I just want to go home.”
             “Then go.”  He leans against the bar, places a stick in his teeth, lights it, pulls in the smoke and breathes it out.  “I won’t hold you.”
       She shakes her head and tries to cry, to look pretty and pathetic at once.  “I can’t on my own.  You know that.  I need you to take me.”
                “It’s not my home.”
               She giggles viciously.  “Your home?  It’s the best, the only home you’ve got.  Whatever you still call your ‘home’ hasn’t been yours in eons.  If it ever was.  I mean, really, haven’t you always been the outsider?”
                He shrugs and looks away.  “Not by choice.”
              “Of course by choice!  You didn’t have to fight.  You didn’t have to cause trouble.  You could have kept your peace and did as you were told.  You chose not to.”
                “So I deserved it, then?”
              She scoffs.  “What difference does that make?”
                He nods.  She has a point. 
         The barman passes between them with his broom, sweeping up the day’s refuse that the day’s refuse left behind.  Angela smiles at him.  He smiles back, and sings softly along to the jukebox. 
                She turns to Lu again.  “You do have a home now, you know.  You can come back with me.  It’ll be just like old times.”
                “No.”  He shudders.  “Not ever.  Why would I want to go back there?  Why do you?”
              “Because it’s home.  The only one I have now.  The only one you have, too.  I mean, this – ” she sweeps her arm in a wide arc “ – is just a phase.  A passing fad.  It’s just so much dust.  Really, what do you get out of it, that you want to spend so much time here?”
                He smirks.  “The booze is good.”
                “Thanks.”  The bartender grins.
                “Fine,” she says.  “Stay, then.  Rot with this kind of trash.”
                “Yeah.  Yeah, I think I will.  I like this kind of trash – it don’t smell as bad as the other kind, it’s not as miserable, not as cramped.  I got room to breathe, to spread my wings here.”
                She sneers.   “Good luck with that.”
                “You know what I mean.  Or you would, if you opened your eyes.  Variety.  Possibility.  Life.  I don’t know who or what I am here, but I know that I am.”
                “I know that you are, too.  And I know who and what you are.  Your limitations.”  She stiffens.  Her eyes cloud over, a squall on the sea.  “I can make you take me home.”
                He stands tall.  His eyes darken, a rising storm.  “Good luck with that.”
                Electricity in the air, the barkeep stands transfixed, staring at both, seeing neither.
                She relaxes, then he.  The storm passes.
                “But… but what can I do?”
                “Enjoy it.  It’s an open world.  Explore.  Discover.  Find your pleasures.  Quit following me, and start a new mission.  Hell, get drunk for once!  It’s not all bad.  Unlike your home.”  He quashes his cigarette and heads for the door.  She stops him with a hand.
                “So… you want me to do that?  To carve out my place here?  To go out there and start raising Hell?”
                A pause.  He steps back and looks at her again.  “No.”
             She nods.  “Thought not.  But you’re giving me mixed signals.  Should you and I fight it out, should I make this place my new playground, or will you take me home?  Three choices, Lu.  Well?”
                He slumps, suddenly tired.  “Get out.” 
She stays. 
“Go.  I’ll meet you in the morning.  I’ll take you there.  Go.”
She smiles, turns, and leaves without a word.  The barman watches her go, the bounce of her hair, the sway of her hips, the shift of her shoulders, and he grins.   He turns back.
“You’re leaving tomorrow, then?”
“Looks that way.”
“For how long?”
“Eternity.  ‘Less I can kill her first.”
“Ah.  That your plan?”
“Yeah.  No.  I dunno.  Probably.  Gonna be a long day, that’s sure.”
The barkeep moves his head sympathetically.  “One for the road?”
“Please.”
He slips behind the bar, grabs a bottle, fills a tumbler, passes it over.  Lu picks it up, puts it to his lips, turns it, lets it drain, feels the burn as the minutes go by.  When it’s empty he slams it on the bar top.  He tosses a few large bills after it, picks up his hat, and heads for the door. “See you next time,” the bartender says. Lu smiles, a gleam in the darkness.  “Sure.”  And he glides out into the night.The bartender locks the door and shuts off the rest of the lights.  He whistles an old AC/DC song as he gathers his things.  He smiles.  It’s been a good day.             

she swelled from the sea

she swelled from the sea

TV Dinner

TV Dinner

Dose of Reality

"Dose of Reality"